Tuesday, January 4, 2011

An Inconvenient Truth

I noticed that there are quite a few "views" on my blog and I feel like I need to be honest with everyone, and with myself, why I am writing this blog and what I have, through simple neglect, gotten myself into.  I've been trying to pin down what made me finally decide that enough was enough.

1. There are, maybe, 5 pictures of Elliot and me.  I'm too grossed out by the way I look to take pictures with my son.  I can't help but crying when I read that, but it's so true.  If I were to die tomorrow in some freak accident he and Kyle would have no photos or video to remember me by.  

2.  I've gotten a few hair cuts in the past year or so and I haven't been able to find one that worked for me, even though I've done the same thing with my hair for years.  The other day I realized that it was because I didn't like the shape of my face. 

3.  I can't find clothes.  I've always had a large chest, but when it got bigger with pregnancy, then stayed bigger, and the rest of me stayed bigger too, I'm now feeling the most comfortable in XL mens t-shirts.  I love clothes and looking cute, but nothing fits right so I wear the same 3 outfits on rotation whenever I have to be seen in public.

4.  Pictures in general.  I know my #1 was about pictures, but in October one of my best friends got married and when I look at those pictures I can't believe that's what I look like.  I have untagged myself from almost every facebook photo for the past 2 years because I can't stand how I look.  

Kyle and I at Becki's Wedding

The day before Becki's Wedding

5.  I want to feel sexy again.  Enough said.

I feel like if I don't do something about this now, it's just going to get worse, and I'm going to feel worse. 

So, in complete honesty, my weight (as of Monday morning 1/3/11) was 232.6lbs.  I was 207lbs when I got pregnant and 264lbs the night I went into labor.  Short term I'd like to be back to my pre-pregnancy weight by my birthday (1/27). My goal over this next year is to get down to somewhere between 135-145lbs.

The feeling after writing that is two-fold.  One: it's embarrassing.  I mean, I know most of the people who will read this, and see them regularly.  It's embarrassing that I am that heavy, it's embarrassing that I've let myself become that much of a mess, and it's embarrassing that I haven't done anything about it until now.  But, two: it's liberating.  Now that it's out there for the world to read it's all that easier to never be that heavy again.  It's only going down from here.


  1. im proud of you for letting all of this out. we all feel this way (at least i know i do) it seems the older we get the more we gain and the harder it is to lose. i can only imagine what its going to be like when i have kids (i cant wait buuuttt not looking forward to the weight issue) dont be embarassed about letting your issues be known, it is what it is and you are an amazing, beautiful person and if people have a problem with that then they can just go to hell now cant they? :-) By the way, I dont post on blogs so I dont know how to do this lol so I just did anonymous lol this is Kristin and if you ever wanna talk to another fatty im here for you!!

  2. Bekah, This is the first step. I was were you were at. It has been a long road. I can't say that my weight came from a baby. It just came from eating too much. My top weight was 185. Bad being only 4 ft 3 in. I have another 30 pounds to lose. I will join you in this weight lose. Keep going but remember it is a long road and then we need to make it a life long change. Watch biggest loser. When you hear some of their stories and see their pictures you never want to get where they are at right now. Aunt Cyndi

  3. Awesome Aunt Cyndi! We watched our first episode of The Biggest Loser last night! It was so inspirational! I always saw clips of the show and thought that I would love to be on a show like that, then I realized, why wait? - just do it yourself! now!

  4. Bekah, if u need anything! ANYTHING! Know that I am here, I am also trying go lose weight and Andy and I watch your blog together. You have inspired me :) love u very much Bekah!

  5. it's tough to isolate why you are doing something. but once you do, it's empowering. i know you don't feel it, but you are beautiful.