1. There are, maybe, 5 pictures of Elliot and me. I'm too grossed out by the way I look to take pictures with my son. I can't help but crying when I read that, but it's so true. If I were to die tomorrow in some freak accident he and Kyle would have no photos or video to remember me by.
2. I've gotten a few hair cuts in the past year or so and I haven't been able to find one that worked for me, even though I've done the same thing with my hair for years. The other day I realized that it was because I didn't like the shape of my face.
3. I can't find clothes. I've always had a large chest, but when it got bigger with pregnancy, then stayed bigger, and the rest of me stayed bigger too, I'm now feeling the most comfortable in XL mens t-shirts. I love clothes and looking cute, but nothing fits right so I wear the same 3 outfits on rotation whenever I have to be seen in public.
4. Pictures in general. I know my #1 was about pictures, but in October one of my best friends got married and when I look at those pictures I can't believe that's what I look like. I have untagged myself from almost every facebook photo for the past 2 years because I can't stand how I look.
Kyle and I at Becki's Wedding
The day before Becki's Wedding
5. I want to feel sexy again. Enough said.
I feel like if I don't do something about this now, it's just going to get worse, and I'm going to feel worse.
So, in complete honesty, my weight (as of Monday morning 1/3/11) was 232.6lbs. I was 207lbs when I got pregnant and 264lbs the night I went into labor. Short term I'd like to be back to my pre-pregnancy weight by my birthday (1/27). My goal over this next year is to get down to somewhere between 135-145lbs.
The feeling after writing that is two-fold. One: it's embarrassing. I mean, I know most of the people who will read this, and see them regularly. It's embarrassing that I am that heavy, it's embarrassing that I've let myself become that much of a mess, and it's embarrassing that I haven't done anything about it until now. But, two: it's liberating. Now that it's out there for the world to read it's all that easier to never be that heavy again. It's only going down from here.