Thursday, June 21, 2012

Shake It Out

It's been quite a while, and I feel like I have a lot to write, yet nothing to write.  

I had a summer class for three weeks starting May 29th.  I like the three week classes because they're really quick, but the last time I took one I only had one child to deal with.  I was beyond exhausted for the three weeks.  It didn't help that the first weekend was June Dairy Days.  I get almost no sleep that weekend.  I stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning, and while my friends are sleeping off the previous night, I have two children who are ready for action.  Thankfully my parents help out a lot with them, but I don't want to seem like we're taking advantage (even though we are) and I get up and at least feed Caroline.  I never got my sleep caught up and finally on the last day of class (Friday June 15th) I crashed and had a major migraine.  Thankfully Kyle was able to stay home so I could sleep the whole day.  I ended up with an A in the class, so that makes me feel like the work was worth it.  

June 16th (the day after my bed confining migraine) I did the 6k (3.7 miles) Glo Race in Chicago.  It starts at 9:15pm and everyone wears glow-in-the-dark attire and there's black lights and strobe lights as you run along the shore and through the park.  The last time I ran before this race was April 22.  And by running I mean a run-walk combo.  In my head I was remembering the first 5k I did after Elliot was born, but forgot to remember that I was about 20 lbs lighter and had actually trained for a month before the race.  Add into that a day spent walking around the city in 90+ degree weather and no water.  I was very dehydrated.  I chugged a ton of water before the race and had just started to not feel like I was going to throw up/pass out when we left for the race.  I went to the race with two friends and one friend of a friend.  My friends are in shape, and run semi-regularly.  The friend of a friend has been turning into a competitive runner, and she was off and away about 3 seconds into the race.  My friends, being nice, stayed at the slow pace with me.  We had decided that this was more of a shuffle than a race, so I didn't feel terrible about slowing them down.  Let me add that it was still 80+ degrees at this point, and humid.

Then came the water station.  In my head a water station should be about 1/2 way through a race, I was mistaken.  The water station came about 1/3 of the way through the race.  I shouldn't have stopped, but I was so thirsty, and thought I was half way through.  The stopping killed my momentum, and when we turned the corner we were running into the wind.  At about 1.5-1.75 miles I was done.  My body was on fire - heat wise, not pain wise.  My legs actually felt fine.  I felt like my face was burning.  I told my friends to just keep running, because I knew that they wanted to run, but they said the race was more for fun and we were all going to finish together.  I was happy to know that I have friends who were willing to stick with my out of shape butt, but at the same time I felt terrible about myself.  I was so out of shape that I was holding them back.  Embarrassed easily sums up how I felt for the rest of the race.  It started raining but not enough to cool me down.  

When we got done (time of 55:15) we had no idea where the water was.  All we could find was the sponsored tents which were handing out 5 hour energy and some protein drink that smelled like a multi vitamin and had the consistency of yogurt - YUCK.  Finally we found water, granola bars, and cookies.  Not what I want to eat after I run.  Sweets sounded terrible.  We sat for a while listening to the DJ, then the rain picked up and the lighting was coming, so we all got kicked out of the park.  We were debating taking a cab or just getting on the L.  We ended up choosing the L because there wasn't a cab in sight - I was fine with that because then I could spend more time in the rain.  After 2 miles of walking in the race and walking farther to the L in the rain, I still felt overheated and dehydrated.  I was pretty positive that if I opened my mouth I would throw up and/or pass out.  My silence helped me think back to the last time I felt this terrible.  I've been running in heat before and never had so many issues.  I was dehydrated, but to feel this terrible?  Then I remembered.  I'm back on medication that can cause nausea, loss of coordination, blurred vision, and a whole other mess of things, and dehydration ends up being way worse than "normal" dehydration*.

When we got to our stop the rain was pouring - this made me happy.  Even through our 6 block trek home, with rain soaking our clothes, I still didn't cool down.  We walked in the door and I went straight into the shower and turned it on cold.  I sat in there for 15-20 minutes before the water started to feel cold.  I started crying and I'm not sure why.  I think a big part of it was that I felt so terrible.  I hate feeling sick, and Kyle (or my mom) were hours away.  Another reason, was my bruised ego.  I was finally facing what I already knew: I am in terrible shape.  I already knew it, and knew I felt terrible about myself, but this was the first time other people had seen it first hand.  In my head I created a scenario that my friends were talking to the other girl, making excuses for me, 'well, she just had a baby,' 'well, she said she wasn't feeling good before.'  I don't know if/think this actually happened, but I couldn't help myself from imagining the worse.  I was confronting the realization that someone, who I didn't know, was now able to judge me for being overweight.  My friends have always known me, and are going to love me no matter what, but this girl (who seemed very nice, and I don't think was actually judging) now had ammunition to judge me and proof of my failure.  And so I continued to cry.  I felt fine sitting down but every time I stood I thought I would pass out.  I quickly got dressed then laid down and started sipping water and ate some left over pizza to get something in my stomach.  

I texted Kyle that the run was "the most terrible idea ever" and fell asleep trying not to start crying again.  The next morning I woke up, packed, and headed home.  It was Father's Day so I wanted to get there early, but I also felt like I couldn't face my friends.  I was too ashamed and it created this awkwardness in me.  

The last few nights I've had a dream that I have something growing over my eyes and my vision is blurred and I have to go to the doctor to get these drops and the doctor uses a big Q tip to clean my eyes (like Woody in Toy Story 2), swiping over each one twice.  When the layers of whatever it is come off, there's a little bit of diluted blood that also gets wiped up.  One of the friends from this weekend is sitting in the room with me.  I finally googled dream interpretation since I've had the dream twice now.  Here's the link and the bottom of the page is all about eye stuff.  I think it's right, and I think it all has to do with me loosing weight, but not actually doing it, and feelingl so terrible about myself.  I think this friend is also there because she's been a part of every terrible (and happy) time in my life.  Also, I was at her place when I really realized how shitty I feel, so there's probably that connection as well.  Once during my freshman year of college (aka the "downward spiral") I was drunk and called her and cried and told her how unhappy I was with everything I was doing and who I was.  She talked to me for a long time, then told me to call her back tomorrow when I was sober and we'd talk some more.  I never called.  Again, embarrassment.  We've never talked about it, but I still remember it (well, the event not all the details) and know I can always count on her if I need her, and she's not going to judge me.  And I know she knows the same goes for her if she ever needs me.       

*I always said if I needed to go back on medication, I would.  Being home with two kids has been trying for me.  I asked my doctor (family practice, so he doesn't really know a ton about mental health - not his fault) if I could get an anti-anxiety medication, or something that I could take as needed, but with my body reacting badly to medications I've been on in the past (read as: causing manic episodes), he felt more comfortable putting me back on the last bi-polar medication that worked.  I'm supposed to go see a psychiatrist so we can make sure that I'm taking the right/best medication for how I'm feeling, but it was already hard enough for me to find someone to watch the kids for the first appointment, yet alone trying to do it again... so I'll just stick with this stuff, even though it's not what I was looking for...

So, yeah, I guess I did have something to write about...  even after all of this realization, I still haven't worked out this week.  Taking the kids outside in the heat (specifically Caroline, she's still so little), isn't a good time, and when they're napping I've been so tired that I nap too.  When they go to bed at night, I make dinner, watch a little TV, then go to bed.  I'm too exhausted to work out.  I'm too exhausted to even shower some days.  If Kyle's not home, what's the point?  No one's going to see me anyway.  And I think that's the problem.  I'm comfortable(ish) with the way I look when I'm around people who love me, but as soon as I'm in public, I feel terrible.  I also think that the people who know me, know that even though I'm a pretty strong person, when it comes to hearing criticism (even if it's constructive) about my weight, I can easily crumble.  It's the one area in my life which I know I'm failing in.  I hate failing.   

I want to end this with some positive, "Okay, now I'm going to get in shape and change my life!" type message, but it just seems so fake.  I think the best I can do right now is say that I'm not going to eat anything fried or order take out when Kyle's not home.  We have a vacation coming up in a week and I don't want to make some crazy goal and completely ruin it because we're enjoying our time together.  The whole point of vacations (for us) is to try amazing food!  So, nothing fried, and no take out during the week.  That much I think I can do.