Saturday, February 19, 2011

Day 48 - love every scar

Song of the day:  Lady Antebellum - American Honey

OMG.  I made the most awesome spaghetti and meatballs I have ever had.  But I may be a little biased.  :)  It was so worth the 7 hours of roasting tomatoes!  I definitely ate more than I should have, but it was just so good!  I went over my calorie allowance, so today I'm going to work out longer than I normally would.

My dad and Ethan (my brother) came to visit on their way from UW-Whitewater (where Ethan goes) to West Salem yesterday.  It was so nice to hang out with them, even though their main reason for the stop was to see Elliot. :)  The whole homemade spaghetti idea was amazing, but a lot more time consuming than I previously thought.  Needless to say, I didn't get a workout in.  But I plan on doing yesterday and today's workout all in one setting.  Kyle and I are just hanging out and later this afternoon Julia and I are going to do some shopping.  Tomorrow we are going to check out a new church.  We realized that since we are for sure staying here at least another 2 years, we need a home church.  We've gone to a couple since moving here, but have always considered River of Life our home church.  I'm not sure if that will ever change, but we at least need a community here.  We're going to check out Metro Believers tomorrow.  Since we are moving into Madison in a couple of months it really opens up our church options.  Some people are willing to drive 45 minutes to church, I am not one of those people.  Say what you may about my faith or commitment, but my almost 9 month old son dictates a lot of our schedule.  

I'm really trying not to totally derail this weekend like I have for the past few weekends.  My plan is to stick to an eating habit and keep exercising.  Maybe even over exercise.  After last weeks snafu of gaining a pound, I really want to have an awesome weigh-in come Monday.  Elliot will be 9 months old on the 22nd (Tuesday) and it took me 9 months and 4 days to gain the pregnancy weight, so my goal is for it to take just as long for me to lose it.  Next Saturday (the 26th) would get me to that day, so my hope, plan, and goal is for me to be 207 lbs by then.  It's weird to think that 207 is now my weight loss goal.  Two years ago I would have said 207 lbs was a weight to not want, even a year ago I didn't want that.  The week I got pregnant I had decided to lose weight.  It was a short lived goal that ended up with me losing maybe a pound, but I ended up pregnant and gained a ton (57 lbs to be exact), which I wouldn't give up for anything.  Even if I hit 207 lbs my body is not what it once was.  I now have stretch marks everywhere.  I had really bad edema towards the end of my pregnancy.  To the point where I could feel the water slosh in my feet when I walked up and down the stairs.  Would I give up not having stretch marks for the cost of not having Elliot?  Not at all.  I would do the same thing and worse for  him.  I guess the stretch marks are something I will have to learn to live with, because I know Kyle could care less about them.  I seriously have the most awesome husband ever.  He looks at my stretch marks and extra weight as a badge of honor that I carried our son in my body for 9 months (and 4 days).  How much more awesome can he be?  I'm so blessed!  

But besides stretch marks, everything is just different.  I can't really put my finger on it, but I'm just a different shape then I was before.  My whole body has changed.  Physically and spiritually.  After 43 hours of labor I caved and agreed to a c-section.  I was super against having a c-section.  About 2 hours after Elliot was born he was whisked away because he was having difficulty breathing.  A few hours later we found out that he was born with a diaphragmatic hernia (a hole in his diaphragm) and that his intestines were in his chest cavity (along with both well developed lungs and his heart).  As first time parents, who were exhausted after a long labor, and I had a super normal pregnancy, we were not expecting this news.  The fact that I would not progress to 10 cm's we have attributed to divine intervention.  If I had, Elliot would have had serious birthing issues (due to his condition and size - 9 lbs 12 oz) that would have resulted in the doctors having to break my pelvis to get him out.  At 4 days old he had laproscopic surgery to correct his hernia.  This was by far the scariest thing I have gone through, ever.  Thankfully I have an awesome doctor who made sure I would be able to transfer, as a patient, to Milwaukee where Elliot would also be.  I remember the first time we came home without him.  We had his room all set up, clothes put away, everything washed in dreft, and he wasn't with us.  I felt like a part of me had died in our garage as I cried for hours, days.  That wasn't the way it was supposed to be.  After 4 weeks in the NICU and countless prayers from friends and family we were finally able to take him home.  I'm glad to say that now he is beyond a normal little boy and the only glimpse of his scary start is the 5 small scars on his left side.  

I had gone into pregnancy thinking that a c-section was a cop out.  That I would have been less of a woman if I had gone that route.  I no longer think that.  I endured 32 long hours of labor before Kyle insisted that I get an epidural.  And like I said earlier, if Elliot would have progressed through to a vaginal birth he would have had a slowed heart rate and they would have had to break my pelvis, which would have resulted in a lot more issues.  I treasure every scar on my body.  What I went through I would not wish on any mother, but I know that Kyle and I were able to handle it by the strength of God.  It was a test of our strength and faith.  And I'm glad to say we came out stronger than ever.  

I'm not looking to be a super model or even a "hot mom."  I'm just looking to be a healthier version of myself for the two most important men in my life... and whatever little bundles of joy that will be in our future.... not like immediate future, but in like 2 years future...  I guess that's all I can say for now.  :)

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