Song of the day: Nena - 99 Red Balloons
Yesterday I had full intent to clean the house before Kyle got home. Instead I caught up on birthday cards (my mom's side of the family puts out a calendar with everyone's birthday's on it) for February since I hadn't been home in a while, played with Elliot, and tried on all of my clothes. I had a pile that was set to go to Goodwill. In the pile were clothes that were too small for me, and I had given up on ever fitting into them again. I had outfits that I had hung onto for years with plans of losing weight, and finally I had given up on them. Given up. How sad is that? I made a conscious decision that I was going to be fat forever. I had given up on trusting in my own will power and abilities. It's so weird because I don't even know who that person was. I had lost myself for so long that I just decided to be this nothing that was the new me. I never wanted to do anything, go anywhere, meet anyone. I wouldn't say that I was depressed, or going through any manic-depressive episode, I was just blah.
In late 2006, after many incidences that I regret, I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder and an anxiety disorder. Through the years I would go through the extreme highs (mania) and extreme lows (depression) of the manic-depressive roller-coaster and the haphazard lifestyle that accompanied it. I have been on a countless number of medications and seen a few therapists. I lived a pretty wild lifestyle that just enhanced the sickness. It took me years until I realized what I was doing to myself. After I met Kyle, it all changed. I've always been very independent, and I would never admit that I needed anyone, but I needed Kyle as a positive influence on my actions. By the time I had met him I had already cleaned up my act quite a bit, but I was still drinking a lot. I was newly 21 and using my drivers license to it's full extent. Manic-Depressive: 101 says that routine is the best thing you can do for yourself. A healthy routine. Staying up until 3am drinking, then getting up and going to work hung-over is not a healthy routine. Kyle's presence calmed me down. We still went out together, but I wanted to be a better version of myself for him. What is it that people say? Fake it till you make it? I had been faking to everyone that I was perfectly fine, when I was living this inner turmoil in my head, and trying to keep it all hidden. When I met Kyle he was like the last piece that I needed to start making it a reality and grow into the next level of myself. Through changing my lifestyle, giving myself a healthy routine, and faith I've been able to stay off of medication for 3 years now. **This is by no means a "anti-medication" rant, because if episodes were to start again, I would go back on medication. In fact I was very pro-active about checking my actions after Elliot was born to make sure that I was okay, and was ready (and still am) to go on medication at the slightest hint of any issue.**
I have been through a few colleges in a few years and finally decided to stop going until I knew what I wanted to do, and I knew I could do it successfully. That time is finally here. For the last few months I've known that, but because of how uncomfortable I was with the way I looked, I was unable to take that step forward. I was settling for the mediocre me. Now I'm feeling like myself again. I've found myself and I didn't even realize until I started writing this entry that I had been lost. Weight loss was the one thing that I could never do, and now I know I can. I'm finally becoming who I know I was meant to be. Meeting my full potential. I feel under control and confident. Like all of the pieces are finally here at the right time. My life is amazing, and I'm so very blessed! And I'm ready to tackle the next challenge.
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