just lying (a little)

Song of the Day: David Bowie - Changes

Apparently I was just lying to myself when I thought I was okay with not going to grad school.  This was evident when I burst into tears when I ran into the professor I had been talking to about the scheduling and she asked me what I thought about her email (I had never responded because I was just so sad about the whole thing).  I told her I wasn't going, then BAM, tears.  I had no control over it.  So embarrassing.   -- Don't get me wrong, I was not lying to myself about wanting to be able to be home with our kids at the end of the day, that is still a requirement for whatever decisions I make.

She suggested that I apply for the PhD program at Madison.  Classes are during the day, and granted I may have to make some time adjustments with the kids in the future, they'll be older then and not going to bed at 6:30.  I had originally written this off because I really want to work.  I'm not sick of school, but I'm ready to be working.  I've realized what I really miss about working is having friends, or at least people, that you see every single day.  Interactions that are consistent and meaningful.  Don't get me wrong, I have friends at school, but it's different than having friends at work.  Right now, we all know we're heading in different directions when we're done, and we all live far apart.  I miss being a part of something.  Now, both the MS and PhD programs are done in a cohort, so it's more similar to working, but it's still school.  Either way, her vote of confidence in my potential to get in was nice to hear. 

She also suggested that I could do the first year of the MS program half time, so I would only be gone for 2 nights a week instead of 4.  Yes, that is better, but then it will take me 4 years to get done, and at that rate, why not just go for the PhD instead.

Ugh.  To make it all the more intense, the PhD application is due December 1st.  So, I've decided to just apply everywhere and see what happens.

We also had to make decisions on what I'm going to do next semester, and where the kids are going to daycare.  The problem (actually a nice thing, but a problem in this scenario) is that Kyle has is sabbatical coming up this summer and we were planning on being gone most of July.  It's also our 5 year anniversary in June, so it works out nicely.  But if I start a new job, I'm not getting a month off.  So, I could work a mediocre job with high turn over and leave in June, then start a more career job in August.  Keep in mind, I majored in Psychology with the intent of going to grad school to become a school psychologist, so whatever job I get, is not really what I want to do.  I'm settling no matter what.

To make decisions easier, or maybe to run away from making a decision at all, I'm extending my undergrad a semester.  I'm no longer graduating in December, and am instead graduating in May.  This at least takes care of the questions on what job to get in January, where the kids are going to daycare for the next semester, and still lets us go on our vacation.  Kind of a short-term win-win-win, with the long-term downside of student loans. 

I still may not end up going to grad school, but actually applying at least puts that decision in the hands of someone else.  So again, kind of running away from making the decision myself, but whatever, I'm at least making the decision to try instead of giving up.  My weekend will now be filled with completing application materials.

I would really like for something to go smoothly.      

Acceptance

Song of the Day:  Acceptance - So Contagious

This past weekend was filled with a lot of thinking.  Running through every different scenario to try and figure out what I should do about grad school.  During this time, I realized a few things, the main point, is how much my kids matter to me.  When I went back to school, I made an unofficial rule not to take any classes that went later than 5:00, and that was the latest possible time.  I only took one class that went that late, and have since changed my personal agreement to not take classes that go later than 4:00, so I'm able to be home with the kids by 5:00 and actually make dinner for them.  

Having family time at the end of the day is not only part of their routine, it's part of mine.  If I've had a stressful day, watching a movie with the kids before bed is a great way to end the day.  If I've had a great day, watching a movie with the kids before bed is a great way to end the day.  No matter what, I need that rejuvenation time spent with them to remember why I'm in school and why I work so hard.  I want everything for them.  Part of what helped with dealing with the mom guilt of going back to school was that I was still with them every night, and that I was the one to put them to bed.  I made school my job, and made sure that our kids always have a parent with them for night-time.  

The biggest problem with the grad school schedule is that there is no way for me to be home with the kids for dinner/bed time.  With class until 6:30, at best I'd be home by 7:15.  Caroline is already in bed, and Elliot is going to bed soon.  If this was once a week, it'd be do-able, but 4 days a week?  No.  Kyle travels Monday-Thursday, and I would have class Monday-Thursday.  I can't in good conscious let someone else raise our kids for over half of the week.  That being said, it's not that someone else would be with our kids, it's that a stranger would be with our kids.  If we lived closer to grandparents and the kids at dinner with them 4 days a week for they year, that's fine, whatever.  Because they're family.  A nanny isn't family.  Not that they can't become family, but there's still a difference.  We also don't know anyone where we are.  We have no social support, so we would really just be picking some random person who we don't know, and we don't even know someone who knows someone.  I just can't deal with that.

Saturday night I had a panic attack.  All of this had just come to a breaking point and I couldn't breath or sleep, and I just started to cry.  Not the first time I've started to cry since figuring this out, but the hardest I've cried.  I ended up going downstairs so I could just let it out without worrying about waking up the kids.  Once the tears stopped flowing, anytime I tried to fall to sleep, I'd start thinking again, then start crying again.  I decided to just watch T.V. until I could no longer keep my eyes open.  Sometime around 4:30 I finally went back upstairs.  Elliot had climbed into our bed, so I cuddled up with him and fell asleep.  Honestly, I felt like I was in mourning.  In the span of 48 I had made it through the first 4 stages of grief.  When I woke up in the morning/early afternoon, I still didn't know what the answer was.  I went downstairs and the kids came running up to me to give me hugs shouting "mommy mommy mommy!"  As I was sitting on the couch holding Caroline, with Elliot sitting next to me with a book, I realized that I just want what's best for them.  And what's best for them is to have a parent home for dinner and to put them to bed.  (Kyle and I had discussed him finding a different job, but there's no guarantee that his new job would provide the hours needed, or that it would pay the same as his current job does.  Right now he travels, and that's a part of our lives that's not changing right now.) 

So, I'm putting off grad school.  Once we're at a place in our lives where we're able to sell our house and move back near family, then I'll go back to school.  The school near family has classes during the day, so it really is a better fit for my schedule, but we're just not able to move right now.  I'll start the job search soon, but right now I just need to focus on ending this semester strong.  Of course, I wish I would have known a little sooner so I wouldn't have had to take the GRE, lol.  But those scores are good for 5 years, so hopefully I'll be able to use them before then.  

I wouldn't say that I'm excited about this change in plans, but I've accepted it.  I was in denial, angry, bargained, and sad, now I've accepted that putting off grad school is the best for our kids, which in turn is the best for me.  I've already proven to myself that I will go back if I take time off, and I know that the timing has to be right.  

Let the job hunt begin...

well that sucks.

Song of the Day:  Lana Del Rey - Summertime Sadness

This morning I decided to make sure I had all of our ducks in a row for Elliot's 4k open enrollment in February.  We absolutely love our current childcare and they offer a 4k program - awesome right?!  I was looking at the availability and such with wrap around care for the program and realized the center was open until 5:30.  This have never been a problem, and the kids are picked up at 4:30.  I decided to look at the class schedule out of curiosity, when I realized that grad classes are offered one day a week from 4-6:30.  Every single one (that I need).  And one that I need in the spring semester is from 5-7:30.  Greeeaaaaaaatt.  Lets also add that we live 40 minutes away from school.  

So lets think some hypothetical situations:

1. The kids go to daycare/4k near home instead... doesn't matter, all the daycare's in our town, even the one we really liked and considered before, are all closed by 5:30/6:00.

2.  We hire a nanny.  .... said nanny still has to be able to take Elliot to 4k (which could in either town), and both Elliot and Caroline have really loved the social interactions they get from daycare.  And, I'm not sure about the field placement schedule, so I don't know exactly when we would need a nanny for.  I also like that centers are super reliable.  If a teacher gets sick, it's up to them to find someone else.  

3.  We do some kind of mix between daycare/4k/nanny.  With also having a field placement and with Elliot being in 4k there's still a chance that the kids could go all day without seeing either of their parents.  Pretend that I stay home with them all day - I'm still not home in time to put them in bed, and they really like the school they're at now, so I would really like to keep them there.  

4.  Our old daycare from last year is open until 7 (I think).  Now that I have something else to compare it to, I don't want to send our kids there again.  The quality is just not there.  Elliot especially has flourished so much since he's been at our new place, and it seems selfish to put my own education above theirs.  

5.  I just don't do grad school.  Career dreams shattered.  No big deal.

I know I'm being melodramatic about this, but I just don't see an easy solution.  I guess I just assumed that the schedule would be similar to what I have right now, and that we could continue with our current childcare arrangement.  Our kids already only have one parent most weeks, and I don't want them to barely see either of us during the week.  This would be a lot easier if we had family closer.  So I guess option 6 is moving near family and going to grad school at another college.  But that lends to a whole other set of hypothetical situations that include Kyle finding a new job and us selling our house, or not - and that seems even more stressful.

Needless to say, I've gotten nothing accomplished since I found this out.  Instead I'm just trying to figure out what we should do.  So now I'm also way behind on my school to-do list.  Ugh.  Completely overwhelmed.   

DietBet is done!

Song of the Day: Avicii - Wake Me Up

I sent in my final weigh-in for the DietBet on Tuesday!  I'm happy to report that I lost 8.8lbs in 4 weeks!  My weigh in day is different on DietBet than it is for this blog, so from my weigh-in last Thursday to today, I lost 2.2lbs!  I'm feeling great right now!  In the past four weeks, I've gone down a notch on my belt, and all of my pants are too big!  I'm getting that waffle top when I tighten my belt.  It's actually kind of annoying, but I'm holding off until I'm at 180ish to buy new pants. 

I decided that I am going to do another DietBet.  It's really good motivation and it keeps me on track - especially during the weekends!  I'm still waiting to find out how much I won during this one, but the next one I'm doing is a $20 buy in with $10,500 in the pot so far.  And thankfully I could just use my verified weigh-in from the end of the last DietBet as my initial weigh-in for this one!  So I'm already down 2 lbs!  It ends on November 22 - right before Thanksgiving and seeing everyone!  My goal weight is 187, but I'm hoping to beat it again!

I took the GRE this past weekend and I did a lot better on my verbal score than I thought I would, and did about 1-2 points less on the math than I thought I would.  But I'm still happy with my scores because they're both above the average for the program I want to get in to!  I'm still waiting on my writing score, but that can take 10-15 days, so I have at least another week until I find out how I did there.  So now I just need to work on my application materials and finishing the semester strong - especially with my capstone!  

I'm feeling pretty awesome in all aspects of my life right now, which is pretty great :)  And we're going trick-or-treating this weekend, and I'm really excited to dress up with the kids!! 

TMI on the BMI

Song of the Day: The Carlton Dance

This week I'm looking at .4 lbs lost, and continuing in the right direction to win the dietbet when I weigh in on Monday!  

I wanted to wait a week just to make sure that I wasn't going to gain, but I have exciting news!  My BMI is now 29.6, which puts me out of the obese category and into overweight!  Hahahaha, it's obviously all relative, but I never thought I would be excited about being classified as overweight, but I hadn't really come to terms that I was technically obese either.  I guess it's easier to admit now that I haven't been there for two straight weeks.  And here's to never going back!  At this point I'm 31 lbs away from a healthy BMI and 43-50 lbs away from my goal weight of 145-152, which would give me a BMI of 22-23 - smack dab in the middle of healthy.  

I've been trying to decide if I want to do another dietbet after this one is over.  I think I do because it has definitely helped me stay on track, and works at as a great motivator, but on the other hand, I kind of want to take off some of the pressure to lose weight.  Really 4% of your body weight isn't asking a lot.  For me that was 8.2 lbs and so far I've lost 8.8 with half a week left.  It's obviously doable, but I don't want the pressure of having to maintain a 2lb per week loss for another 4 weeks, along with everything else I have going on with school right now.  But at the same time, I shouldn't use school as an excuse and having that pressure on me to lose has really helped me stay focused... I'll probably do another lol.

To help keep track of my calories I've been using the Lose It app.  It's free which is awesome, and it also lets you scan bar codes to track calories!  Apparently this isn't anything new, and other apps also let you scan bar codes, but I just think that's amazing.  It also sets your calorie limit based on your weight loss goals and takes into account the calories you burn on workouts that you log.  It has a huge food database, and so far has really helped me keep track of everything!

I'm taking the GRE on Saturday and I'm not as prepared for it as I wanted to be, but at this point, I don't think that I'll study more if I delay taking it.  So I mine as well get it over with :/  I wanted to take another practice test right now, but the computer I'm on isn't loading the Kaplan page correctly, so that's super annoying :/  Ugh, it's going to feel good when this test is over! 

nice end to a long week

Song of the Day: Lorde - Royals

I don't know why, but for some reason I can't update my weight loss progress tracker on the right side of the screen... so here's the updates from the past week:

10.3.13 - 198.6

10.10.13 - 195.4

Boom!  3.2 lbs down from last week!!  I'm pretty sure part of that was staying on track over the weekend!  It's a lot easier to just continue losing than to have to first lose the 5lbs of water weight I gained over the weekend.  All in all, I'm pretty excited :)  Also exciting is that I've lost all I need to for the DietBet goal, and .2 lbs more!  As long as I maintain this weight (even though my plan is to continue losing, obviously) I win part of the pot!  Not a bad way to end off a long week!

I'm pretty overwhelmed with school right now, and totally behind on my Capstone project.  So just a quick update today so I can get back to work!

I'm Back!

Song of the Day: Kiss - New York Groove

Another week with 1.6 lbs lost, and I'm back under 200 again!  It's been almost 4 months since I was last here (and 5 months since I first was).  This time, I'm not going on a "I'm comfortable with the amount I've lost so far" detour, and instead I'm going to keep going down!  Thankfully being in school offers a nice routine and it's easier to keep myself on track.  Also helpful, was on Tuesday a friend texted me saying that she didn't want to work out when she was done with work.  Similarly, I didn't want to work out after I put the kids to bed.  We made a pact that we would both do 30 minutes and share with each other when we were done.  It totally motivated me to actually do the work out (and she did it as well)!  Double win!  With that work out, I also realized that I really need to start doing level 2 of Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred, but I just really like how comfortable I've become with level 1... hence why I need to bump up the intensity.  

This weekend I'm getting my hair done, and I'm getting a massage, on the same day - how perfect?!  I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my hair.  I know I want to go darker again because as much as I'm loving my hair color right now (seriously, the best blonde it's been in a long time), it's fall, and I'm ready to go dark again.  I'm thinking the color of Giuliana Rancic's hair at the Emmy's.  Ryan Seacrest described it as nutella colored and ever since then, I've wanted that color, and to eat nutella.  Dang it Ryan, don't you know I'm trying to lose weight?!  I'm still unsure what I want to do with the cut.  I've been trying to grow it out for so long, but I feel like it's damaged and that I should take a few inches off.  Hmmmm... maybe Deidre (my hair stylist) will have some ideas :)

School is going amazing and I got an amazing comment on my exam from my health communications professor!  It totally made my week!!  Even will all the goodness, I really need to do more work on my Capstone project.  It just seems so overwhelming sometimes, but I really just need to start reading, and reading, and reading... then take a break and read some more.  

Which is what I should go do now... :)