Thursday, November 14, 2013

just lying (a little)

Song of the Day: David Bowie - Changes

Apparently I was just lying to myself when I thought I was okay with not going to grad school.  This was evident when I burst into tears when I ran into the professor I had been talking to about the scheduling and she asked me what I thought about her email (I had never responded because I was just so sad about the whole thing).  I told her I wasn't going, then BAM, tears.  I had no control over it.  So embarrassing.   -- Don't get me wrong, I was not lying to myself about wanting to be able to be home with our kids at the end of the day, that is still a requirement for whatever decisions I make.

She suggested that I apply for the PhD program at Madison.  Classes are during the day, and granted I may have to make some time adjustments with the kids in the future, they'll be older then and not going to bed at 6:30.  I had originally written this off because I really want to work.  I'm not sick of school, but I'm ready to be working.  I've realized what I really miss about working is having friends, or at least people, that you see every single day.  Interactions that are consistent and meaningful.  Don't get me wrong, I have friends at school, but it's different than having friends at work.  Right now, we all know we're heading in different directions when we're done, and we all live far apart.  I miss being a part of something.  Now, both the MS and PhD programs are done in a cohort, so it's more similar to working, but it's still school.  Either way, her vote of confidence in my potential to get in was nice to hear. 

She also suggested that I could do the first year of the MS program half time, so I would only be gone for 2 nights a week instead of 4.  Yes, that is better, but then it will take me 4 years to get done, and at that rate, why not just go for the PhD instead.

Ugh.  To make it all the more intense, the PhD application is due December 1st.  So, I've decided to just apply everywhere and see what happens.

We also had to make decisions on what I'm going to do next semester, and where the kids are going to daycare.  The problem (actually a nice thing, but a problem in this scenario) is that Kyle has is sabbatical coming up this summer and we were planning on being gone most of July.  It's also our 5 year anniversary in June, so it works out nicely.  But if I start a new job, I'm not getting a month off.  So, I could work a mediocre job with high turn over and leave in June, then start a more career job in August.  Keep in mind, I majored in Psychology with the intent of going to grad school to become a school psychologist, so whatever job I get, is not really what I want to do.  I'm settling no matter what.

To make decisions easier, or maybe to run away from making a decision at all, I'm extending my undergrad a semester.  I'm no longer graduating in December, and am instead graduating in May.  This at least takes care of the questions on what job to get in January, where the kids are going to daycare for the next semester, and still lets us go on our vacation.  Kind of a short-term win-win-win, with the long-term downside of student loans. 

I still may not end up going to grad school, but actually applying at least puts that decision in the hands of someone else.  So again, kind of running away from making the decision myself, but whatever, I'm at least making the decision to try instead of giving up.  My weekend will now be filled with completing application materials.

I would really like for something to go smoothly.      

No comments:

Post a Comment